Stepping Up: A Decision

AON Step Up For Kids 2013

"Why do you put this pressure on yourself?" a friend asks on the phone recently.

First, she and I do not experience difficult challenges as a part of our daily routine. Certainly, from time to time we are presented with challenges, but not usually physical ones.

Second, I have no history of athletic activity, and frankly, I battle overeating on a daily basis.

Third, I've chosen this challenge of stair climbing gladly, and with both eyes open to its rigors. However this does not mean I don't succumb to fears during my preparation, particularly the closer I get to the event.

Thus her question, why do I put this pressure on myself?

This morning I made a list of reasons why I could choose not to participate in the climb up 80 flights at Chicago's AON building. They range from not losing any weight in the last three months, to knowing I haven't put in enough time on the stairs. In order to avoid a downward spiral of self-judgement, I create the following:

I'm Prepared to do what is best for me, even if it means not participating.
I'm Energized at the possibility of not climbing, in that it seems like I will enjoy relaxing instead.
I'm At peace with the possible decision not to climb.
I'm Confident I'll be ready to climb the John Hancock's 94 floors on Feb. 27th.
I'm Enjoying knowing I'm capable of making this hard choice.

Thumbing through previous entries in my New Year journal, I first note a slogan from a poster--

"Every Achievement Starts With Deciding To Try!"

Then on January 11th:
Somewhere in 2012 I started to lose the fever for stair climbing, as often happens with my various 'fevers'. I feel some of it returning and need to crank it up. It seems like my moves toward the fitness level I need for these events is minuscule compared to the gargantuan moves I need to make.

January 12th:
The frontier still waiting for me, is learning how far I can push my body. I felt it a little on the Willis Tower, 103 flight climb, the tallest yet for me. Somewhere in the 70 or 80-something flights, I hit a wall where I had to talk myself into continuing. I actually thought the sentences, "This is where I have the opportunity to push myself. This is my opportunity...one I don't get on any other day."
By the 85th floor it seems I cannot go on. Why would anyone even want to go on? But, I've chosen to participate in these climbs because they affirm the best in me. At that point I have no inclination or desire to quit. Quitting isn't even in the realm of possibility...and thus, the affirmation of my spirit, who I am--I am someone who is strong in mind and body, determined to a point where absolutely no circumstance, feeling, or any other person can make me quit...not going to happen because I chose to do this. Everything about these climbs is a symbol of my autonomy, my thought processes, my desires...this is who I am. In that moment, on those stairs, it's only me. No one there to judge, no one there to doubt or affirm, no one there to deny...it's only me. I revel in having made the decision to do this, revel in deciding I can go on, no matter what. This indeed is my opportunity to push through, to be more of who I am...to the top, to the success, to the completion, on my own...and I keep climbing.

January 21st:
Thinking through the AON climb ahead...breathe, reach, this is where I get to stretch, to know what is possible, to prove my strength, to push my limits--my self-imposed limits--to break through them, let my body lead my soul and mind in this space, this stairwell, this vertical tunnel of learning and support, of energy and satisfaction, of endurance and knowing--this is my opportunity...

...as sure as I followed my instincts to Colorado and California in 1973 in my Volkswagen bug, as sure as I followed my instincts to Harlem to marry in 1975, as sure as I tried this and tried that because I am a searcher, as sure as I trusted this and trusted that, then trusted nothing and no one, as sure as I know I am a creator, I know this is my chance...I get to do this, I will do this.

After reading these entries, the words save me--make my decision for me.

Off with the fears!

I am who I am.

I...am...climbing.