The clouds finally parted this morning and now I can see all the way to the top of the Willis Tower.
Recently my sky was overcast with self-judgement. For every day I cleared away the negativity, another day appeared laced with it. For each moment I affirmed the positive way forward, another moment of fear crept in. I used all my tools to escape this spiral, but they weren't strong enough to wipe away the disappointment. The accusatory tape in my head played like a broken record --You aren't where you wanted to be by now. You were supposed to lose more weight. You can't do what you wanted to do. -- over and over.
Finally, after two sleepless nights, the spring is back in my step! Basically in a hypnagogic state (the transitional stage between wakefulness and sleep) I used these nights to repeat affirmations and visualize my climb. Affirming with, "I'm Prepared, I'm Energized, I'm At Peace, I'm Confident, I'm Excited about life," repeating until I lost track. Visualizing the morning of the climb, the rush and excitement, one step after another reaching up, counting ten steps and turning on the landing for the second flight of ten, twenty for each floor, counting, moving from my core, breathing easily, every ten floors feeling a new burst of energy...on and on into the night I imagined.
Yesterday I contemplated giving up my spot to someone else. In moments of weakness, I really wanted to do just that. In the end, I could not.
My friend Scott, encouraged me by relating how many millions of people could not climb this tower (he estimated 285 million Americans), Jackie cheered me on saying how great it will feel simply reaching the top floor, walking out onto the observation deck -- getting to the top no matter how long it takes. Jesse advised it will be excellent training for future climbs this winter. Peg always tells me I inspire her. Harold and Melinda comment, "You notice we're not climbing 2,109 steps this weekend! It's amazing you're just doing it!"
Kathy reminded me of the blog entry where I shared how five or six years ago I could barely dress in the morning, or straighten up to walk through airports after a flight, or reach for my luggage, and now I don't suffer from any of those problems. And finally, this morning my Pilates trainer, Corinne, informed me, "You are stronger than you realize!"
Enough power to turn on the light switch! It occurred to me in that instant, I am stronger than I realize, because I've been clouded from my own reality by self-judgement from so very many years of past conditioning.
Ok, so I won't necessarily have a fast time on Sunday. But I looked up the times from last year's 60 - 69 yr. old women participants, observing that their times ranged from 19 minutes and 27 seconds, to 2 hours, 5 minutes and 28 seconds. I'll fall in the middle.
My trainer, Jesse, also shared a new way to approach issues when self-judgement is a temptation. He said to look at the situation as a gift. Find the gift.
I had something major to learn through this process. I've been given the gift of experiencing all the turns in my road since last May. Down each one of those roads there has been discovery and opportunities for growth.
7:30 Sunday morning I'll walk across the starting line toward the stairs, yes, activating the timing chip on my shoe which records how long it takes to get to the 103rd floor of the tallest building in the western hemisphere.
Walking across that mat also signals the start of my adventure--my time to learn what it is to push myself beyond what I think is possible, my time to persevere, to overcome, and to be filled with joy and exultation at the accomplishment.
Encouragers in this entry, clockwise from top left:
Jackie/Cheryl, Jesse, Cheryl/Harold/Melinda, Willis Tower, Corinne, Scott, and Kathy/Cheryl/Peg
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