SkyRise Chicago, Willis Tower 2012

Photo taken after the race this morning.

One only has those first few minutes after a race, in which it's appropriate to wear your participant medal, so after leaving Willis Tower, I proudly march into Anne Sather's Sunday morning crowd, so adorned.

There is nothing poetic about actually climbing the steps of one hundred and three floors.  This is my thought as I ravenously (as in greedy for gratification and protein) devour an avocado wrap and cottage cheese for breakfast.

I express this observation to my husband and daughter sitting across from me and my shiny gold medal draped around my neck. 

I also wonder, "What can I possibly write in a blog about my experience?"  It was step after step, flight after flight, floor after floor, yes, again and again, the same...struggle, over and over.  At least that's the case from about floor 13 or 14 on.  The first few floors always feel great.  They move right along, I breath normally-- just another day walking up some steps.

By floor 25, I hit the wall my mind builds, which says, if I don't stop to catch my breath, I can't go on.  I indulge, but ever so briefly.  And thus begins my pattern.

Today holds a new variable.

 

 

While standing in line to begin the race, who pops up by my side but Jesse, my trainer. He ran at 7:00 a.m. with the elites.  I ask how he did, and in his humble way he answers, "Good, but not great."  I find out later that he won the race by climbing the 2,109 steps in 13:59! Very impressive. 

I begin to realize what his presence in line means--he's going to go up again, with me. I worked hard this last week, to put aside my fears and negative thoughts about the  climb, so I try not to think, "Oh no, my trainer will be with me, what if I go too slow? Will I be embarrassed? What am I going to do?" and instead tell myself, the reality is that Jesse wants to help.  He wants to support me. A couple deep breaths later, we cross the start line.

I'm proud of my pace for the first half of the race.  For where I am right now, it is just fine.  I also know that it feels like I've given everything I have, and it's only Floor 52. 

I have to do it again, ...another 51 floors. 

This time I take a little longer break, and thus begins my pattern for the second half.

What am I thinking in the final challenges?  Not even sure.  I'm not holding onto completely cohesive intentions and plans in those moments.  However, one complete and very cohesive factor is Jesse next to me in the stairwell.  I wonder what he's thinking.  I wonder how it must feel for him to take the stairs so very slowly compared to his running speed. 

Also, because he's there, I make sure if I do stop, that it's absolutely necessary.  I make sure I get going again as quickly as possible.  I keep moving even though arms and legs are saying, "No," and nausea is ever-present.  The non-poetic for sure.

Jesse's decision to be there, lets me know I'm ok. I can do this, no matter what.

He didn't say those things. Didn't have to. I was there with all my vulnerabilities, my age, my history, my dreams, the work that I've put in, the work I haven't, and my determination.

Now that it's over, I see more than my struggle on each step. 
Whether I thought I wanted it or not, whether I thought I needed or deserved it or not, I experienced true support, offered without judgement.

Perhaps poetic after all.


P.S.  When I finally looked up my time, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself in the middle of the pack of women in the 60 - 69 age group. The winner in my group climbed 103 floors in 27:49,  I finished in the middle of the group with 53:32.  The times went all the way up to one and a half, two and a half, and three and a half hours.

For fun I counted how many women I beat in the different age groups. 
I was faster than 32 others in the 50 - 59 group,
faster than 37 others in the 40 - 49 group,
faster than 51 women in the 30 - 39 ,
and faster than 35 women in the 20 - 29 age group. 

Next time, hopefully I won't have to do this silly calculating...instead I will simply report on a great improvement in my own time!

Minutes after reaching the top.

Seconds after finishing.

P.E.A.C.E.

The clouds finally parted this morning and now I can see all the way to the top of the Willis Tower.

Recently my sky was overcast with self-judgement.  For every day I cleared away the negativity, another day appeared laced with it.  For each moment I affirmed the positive way forward, another moment of fear crept in.  I used all my tools to escape this spiral, but they weren't strong enough to wipe away the disappointment.  The accusatory tape in my head played like a broken record --You aren't where you wanted to be by now. You were supposed to lose more weight. You can't do what you wanted to do. -- over and over.

Finally, after two sleepless nights, the spring is back in my step!  Basically in a hypnagogic state (the transitional stage between wakefulness and sleep) I used these nights to repeat affirmations and visualize my climb.  Affirming with, "I'm Prepared, I'm Energized, I'm At Peace, I'm Confident, I'm Excited about life," repeating until I lost track.  Visualizing the morning of the climb, the rush and excitement, one step after another reaching up, counting ten steps and turning on the landing for the second flight of ten, twenty for each floor, counting, moving from my core, breathing easily, every ten floors feeling a new burst of energy...on and on into the night I imagined. 

Yesterday I contemplated giving up my spot to someone else.  In moments of weakness, I really wanted to do just that.  In the end, I could not.

My friend Scott, encouraged me by relating how many millions of people could not climb this tower (he estimated 285 million Americans), Jackie cheered me on saying how great it will feel simply reaching the top floor, walking out onto the observation deck -- getting to the top no matter how long it takes.  Jesse advised it will be excellent training for future climbs this winter.  Peg always tells me I inspire her. Harold and Melinda comment, "You notice we're not climbing 2,109 steps this weekend!  It's amazing you're just doing it!"

Kathy reminded me of the blog entry where I shared how five or six years ago I could barely dress in the morning, or straighten up to walk through airports after a flight, or reach for my luggage, and now I don't suffer from any of those problems.  And finally, this morning my Pilates trainer, Corinne, informed me, "You are stronger than you realize!" 

Enough power to turn on the light switch!   It occurred to me in that instant,  I am stronger than I realize, because I've been clouded from my own reality by self-judgement from so very many years of past conditioning.

Ok, so I won't necessarily have a fast time on Sunday.  But I looked up the times from last year's 60 - 69 yr. old women participants, observing that their times ranged from 19 minutes and 27 seconds, to 2 hours, 5 minutes and 28 seconds.  I'll fall in the middle.

My trainer, Jesse, also shared a new way to approach issues when self-judgement is a temptation.  He said to look at the situation as a gift.  Find the gift.
 
I had something major to learn  through this process. I've been given the gift of experiencing all the turns in my road since last May. Down each one of those roads there has been discovery and opportunities for growth.
 
7:30 Sunday morning I'll walk across the starting line toward the stairs, yes, activating the timing chip on my shoe which records how long it takes to get to the 103rd floor of the tallest building in the western hemisphere.  

Walking across that mat also signals the start of my adventure--my time to learn what it is to push myself beyond what I think is possible, my time to persevere, to overcome, and to be filled with joy and exultation at the accomplishment.

Encouragers in this entry, clockwise from top left: 

Jackie/Cheryl, Jesse, Cheryl/Harold/Melinda, Willis Tower, Corinne, Scott, and Kathy/Cheryl/Peg